Bill Belichick’s genius

5 11 2008

Following injuries to running backs Laurence Maroney and Sammy Morris, Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick hired a rugby player, Ben Ellis, only to then combine him with defensive end Jarvis Green, a la Voltron, so as to create prototype running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  Belichick also recently hired curler David Nedohin and is considering a new quarterback, DaviDeltha O’Neill-Nedohin.

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Patriot Blues

9 09 2008

Are you serious? Who didn't see this coming?

Wait wait wait, let me see if I got this straight. All-American quarterback knocked out by injury in the first game, check. Untested backup ready to step in, check. Morally questionable coach, check. Black running back who doesn’t score many touchdowns because of limited red-zone touches, check. Injured quarterback has wicked-hot girlfriend, check. Crazy white-guy wide receiver with name ending -er, check. So, uhhh, when did the New England Patriots decided to remake Varsity Blues?

Some predictions for their season: Matt Cassel proves a reliable starting quarterback, although he and Belichick feud over play selection. Gisele tries to seduce Cassel, but he ends up sticking with his current girlfriend, who is Tom Brady’s sister. Left tackle Matt Light, filled with grief for allowing the Brady sack, begins drinking maple syrup from the bottle. Cassel changes plays in the huddle, allowing Maroney to score some touchdowns and save my fantasy team. By season’s end, Belichick has quit and is replaced as coach by Brady, who then allows Cassel to run the oop-de-oop play, isolating Wes Welker in man coverage. The Patriots lose a key game because the previous night, Cassel, Maroney, Welker and Light were out at strip club, surprised to learn that one of the strippers is the Pats’ chief legal counsel. Yikes!

Update: Looks like Sports Guy beat me to the punch line.