Manny Ramirez, El Maniaco, Jesus, and Other Championship Performances

7 04 2009

This is a guest-post from Neil Dodson, a long-time friend and fantasy adversary.

Life is a series of numbers, revolving characters, flim-flam, death, destruction, re-creation, recreation, and championship performances.  Our body constantly destroys cells and replenishes them with other stuff so that we can continue to live.  And then there’s Manny Ramirez.  Every once in a while, something will happen in life that’s so startling and so significant that it transcends everything else and changes how things are done.  Out of all the large numbers, and all the repetition, something will rise out of the fluff and everything else will imitate how things are done.  And that’s Manny Ramirez.

Manny doesn’t care about anything except for playing baseball and hitting the baseball.  We know he doesn’t care about catching the baseball, except if he needs to cut-off a throw from center field, and we know he doesn’t care about teammates, because he left the Sox in the dust, and even though we think he may care about a contract, that wasn’t his idea.  All Manny wants to do is hit the baseball, and he’s an inspiration to anyone who has ever tried to do something well.  Back when we were in grade school, the numbers were small.  There would be that one kid who could do everything better than everybody else.  He’d be the baseball pitcher, and the star of the basketball team, and the football quarterback.  But then high school hit and the numbers got larger.  Then that kid got swept away by a bunch of other people who could do great things too.  People needed to start specializing, but skills diminished, people would get distracted, and the championship performances started to disappear.

So how does Manny Ramirez do it?  The answer is simple: time travel.  Who else can work with such confidence to know exactly where the baseball is going to be at any given moment.  The cut-off from center field?  Already saw it coming.  Single-handedly beating the Cubs in the NLDS?  Meant to prevent the Cubs from winning the World Series in order to restore world order.  People assume we will never time travel because we’ve never met time travelers.  But I think we have, and he’s playing baseball, and he just wants to crush the baseball.  I think we’re going to see a great performance this year, but unfortunately it’s already happened.  Manny knows that, and Manny knows what to do.  We just have to watch out when he comes back.

Good luck to Manny this year, I think we’ll all need to see another championship performance.




One response

7 05 2009
You Like a Da Juice, Manny? Da Juice is Good, Yeah? « you like a da juice?

[…] 7 05 2009 So maybe Neil was wrong when he suggested Manny Ramirez’s secret ingredient was time travel.  Nope, turns out Manny’s been caught doping.  His explanation: Recently I saw a physician […]

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